So Devastated

I've been out of town, and we finally made it home. I thought I would sit down and check in on the babies I follow through blogs. Another Angel earned her wings over the weekend. My heart just aches and hurts for her family. They appear so strong in their faith, however, that I know that they will have a second chance in Heaven with their little girl.

Taking for granted

I think sometimes we all get into a rut and just take tomorrow for granted. I know that I personally often forget to just sit and look around me at those I love and care for and just thank God for the love I have in my life. I think we all need to stop sometimes and just appreciate those people that we have in our lives. It would mean a lot to your friends and family, and you may just see something that you missed before.

I have been following the story of Gracie on her Blog for some time. My heart is twisted up inside for this little girl that I have never even met. I know her Mommy, Daddy, and siblings could all use a lot of prayers for courage and strength right now. Gracie herself is moving on to the next life. I know she will be dearly missed. You can read Gracie's Blog and learn her story.

I've also been praying for personal strength to overcome the little things in life and to focus on the big things. Love, trust, honesty, hate, sorrow, happiness, bitterness, grief, longing, surprise, anger ...these are all part of life. It's up to me to pick out what is important and to focus on it.

A bright spot

Today it was really warm. My youngest and I went out during the day where I chatted with another mom for over an hour and it went well. It really lifted my spirits. Then later, I was outside for another 3.5 hours and I chatted with other parents. It was enough to stop my obsessing for a little while. It felt good.

Unfortunately, it's quiet tonight and my mind is in over drive again.

I wish it would cut that out.

A funny, though - the housing we live in thought it would be cute and "posh" to put a fountain in the water retention pond outside of our house. So there is this ugly chain link fence around this little pond with a big drain sticking into it...with a fountain. It amuses me. What can I say, I'm simple.

Can I just say?

I have not (really) parallel parked in like eight years. Today, I had to parallel park and I did it perfectly! Three point parking - score! I thought for sure I would have to just keep doing it over and over, but apparently my days of street parking stuck with me, because I got my vehicle tucked away between two other cars with no problems. I even missed the tree that was sticking out into the road, lol.

Yay, me!

Happiness is the little things in life.

Continuation

The stagnancy continues. I do not know where this restless, unhappy feeling is coming from; yet it continues with steady steps. Frankly, it's annoying the you know what out of me. I feel stuck. I feel lost. I took the older kids to school today and after I dropped them off, I just drove around in a big circle looking for where I was going. I think I can safely say I never found it. I would stop at one place, and decide that wasn't it, then moved on to another. I did this until I ended up back at home. All in all, it was two miles and 15 minutes. Not far, yet I felt so lost.

My Hubby, the sweet man, saw me lying on the couch yesterday and then put me to bed. I wasn't feeling well. I'm not sick, I just don't feel well. My tummy was upset, but I think it was the stagnancy inside me bubbling to the service. All in all, I had a very restful day yesterday, all thanks to the Tigger. Thank you, dear. It was a much needed break. I awoke around three to find that the Tigger had caught up the laundry and picked up the house. It was very sweet of him, and much needed as I have been lost in my own muck and just haven't been surfacing to take care of business.

Today I came up for air and have worked on getting the house back in order. I managed to fold and put away the laundry that the Tigger washed and dried for me, and I have the two loads still yet to do in progress. I pulled the vacuum cleaner out, but then found out my kitties have not been good kitties at all. My vacuum is drying out, as is the closet after I cleaned it up the kitties' messes. Naughty kitties. Once I am certain the vacuum is dry, I will make use of it.

Hopefully I can pull myself out of this. I just keep sinking lower and lower into the quicksand of depression with only a few quick gulps of air to keep me going.

I need a cause to fight for.

Interesting, "My dear Watson"

Cockroach

To see a cockroach in your dream, signifies your need for renewal, rejuvenation and self-cleansing of your psychological, emotional, or spiritual being. You need to reevaluate major aspects of your life.

*Please see also Roaches. See the meaning in action: "Crawling Cockroaches"

Copied and pasted from: http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/

I find this very interesting. Yes, alas, last night I dreamt of cockroaches. Not any cockroaches mind you, but the Mother of all cockroaches, and apparently an entirely new species. They were long with the shape of silverfish, but the contour and coloring of a cockroach. It was evident they were cockroaches, and my dream self recognized them as such, only that she had discovered a new species. These cockroaches were very self conscious of their looks as they had bows as a part of their tales. Cockroach colored bows, of course.

Why do I find all of this interesting? I do because I've been depressed. Stagnant, if you will. Psychologically and emotionally I'm a mess. I have been seeking a change from the "Same 'ol, same 'ol," but the only solutions I can come up with require time, money, and motivation that I do not have. Maybe I should find these things and make those changes. This unrest I have been feeling is affecting my life and my family's life. I'm grouchy and grumpy and I could defiantly use some rejuvenation of my soul. I do believe spring will help a little bit. The things that have been bumping around in my mind, I think, would help. I need to accomplish them.

Alas, we shall see.

Another Weight Loss Epiphany

So a few weeks ago I realized exactly how many calories I was eating. I was awed and shamed. And then I went right back into those awful eating habits. Why? Because tracking every little calorie depressed me. I quit every time because tracking points, calories, or anything is just too much work. And I won't do it for the rest of my life.

That's why I haven't succeeded. It was a diet. I don't stick to diets. I don't want to track anything every day for the rest of my days.

So I got back on the wagon and I have since lost around 5 pounds in two weeks. Closer to 6 pounds. Am I tracking every calorie? Points? What am I doing?

I'm living. I'm eating when I'm hungry and stopping when I'm full. I eat slowly. I am NOT making food the center of my life. Before I had to plan it all out to the point or to the calorie so I didn't go over. I obsessed over it. Now I'm just eating smaller portion sizes and making better choices. If I'm hungry, I eat. If I'm not hungry, I don't eat.

And the biggest thing...I am exercising. Every day. I'm moving around a lot. I'm not sitting all day.

I'm just living. I'm not on a diet. I'm eating what I enjoy in small amounts. I'm moving my body like it was made to move. I do write down what I eat, but I don't obsess over it. I just write it down and then review as I need to and make adjustments. Like I'm sure my body can run just fine without Almond Hershey Kisses. LOL

I know I'll have to make adjustments as I go, but I'm not diving in head first and changing everything all around and eating foods I won't enjoy eating after I've lost the weight. It's portion control, motivation, and exercise!

Now, ask me again in three weeks how I feel about weight loss. It might change again. :-)